Sometimes, we're actors.

Often, we stare watching Fate

deject and delight.

Each time I cannot sleep, I wonder how it is possible that I ever have.

Lapse for a moment

to see all that you had gained

vanish forever.

I, narcoticised,

failed to notice the knife's blade

was deep within me.

The great Tanguera
showered me with the most rare
dew drops filled with love.

Listen while I think of you
that you may sense the love
I yearn for you to receive.

When You think of me
in my dreams
it is You that I soon see.

Because it began to thaw, I realized mine was a hardened heart which still needs much to feel the sun's warmth that it may be free.

At the end of my life, what will have mattered most is not a fleeting fancy. And, although the moment is important - if not everything...it's value comes from what is pursued, felt, realized in each of those moments. And, the stream of each new moment consists of sometimes stilling, sometimes gushing waters that I created and imbued with a force whose sense and bearing bear the marks of the past moments of my life.

How can there be love between 2 people when we both will change. I wonder to what degree the belief in such a thing is colored by the intoxication of early stages of love. Yet, love grows deeper and stronger.... There are some, parents for example, that we always love. Is there something in us that does not change....? Must there be for us to love each other truly?

The One* I Thought of on 20 of April

Joys, contentments

Our happinesses...

In an untimely

and unmannerly

manner She wrested

from me and She

a present so pleasant,

and, future felicities.

*not mom

"I am playing poker" is a common phrase one hears and that I myself employ too much. This phrase, I'm finding, leads to the mistake of getting the 'will' involved where it should not be.

One needs to not play at all as much as possible. It would be more propritious for one to say "poker is being played."

If one knew perfectly the odds of winning at each moment in the game, one would size ones bets appropriately. I need not play at all; that is, bring biases into the game that would cause me to make me make an inappropriate bet...since, probability, not my willing it to be otherwise, dictates my chances of winning.

The thing is, we must avoid imposing our will upon circumstances; and instead merely see them as they are. In poker, beautiful opportunities present themselves to us, but they come from a place outside of our willing. The wise can distinguish between good and bad opportunities; the unwise cannot tell which is which.

One needs first of all to not play, but to accept the cards that are dealt. In poker, we can never force things to come into existence that are not already there* - that makes matters worse. In poker, more than in life, we cannot influence the cards that we are dealt.

We must be gentle...and stay out of the way...staying in the flow of the game...letting the cards play themselves as much as - no...far more than we play them (since playing them implies doing something extra). Ideally, we do almost nothing at all.

*In life, we can sometimes will things to be-come.

As years go by, one has the opportunity to build up a strong, secure identity...which obscures further from oneself one's true self - which we were closer to in childhood.

Let me be your rock; but even rocks shed tears.

When they do, you're the one I'd wish to be near.

Not to catch them, just to watch them with me while

with you talking, laughing, we watch them fade away.

Yesterday, I went to traffic court and got a few points on my license. This was the highlight of about a 12 hour stretch. The night before, my car glass was shattered and a 3,000 dollar computer was stolen from my car. Just before traffic court, my mother called to tell me my father needed to go to the hospital because his testicles were receding. Years before, he’d had a serious bipolar incidents (which resemble psychosis) when he’d had a similar procedure done, lasting around three weeks. I may not have been my best self.

I thought of what I'd lost, and soothed myself with the present.

Someone isn't the only one with furry friends Part 2

Me and Gizmo

Someone isn't the only one with furry friends

Me and Ram shielding one another from the pouring rain.

How can we go wrong if we act authentically?  But, sometimes we wish to be too clever for our own good, and prize the result of our actions more than the spirit of our actions...more than, then our own souls.

Silence, has the best voice...when She speaks She roars peacefully, wisely, truthfully.

Death will follow Life
is felt in the marrow of my bones.
Loving You, then, is my only concern.

Thanatos...Observations inspired by Freud's "Beyond the Pleasure Principle"

There is a strange, but unmistakable phenomenon that I have observed while I play poker. The better I am playing, whether by skill or luck, the better (usually) I continue to play. The worse I am playing (whether to playing unskillfully or due to bad luck), the worse I continue to play. What I mean is that when things are going well, I make good decisions. When things are going badly, I make poorer decisions.
Why is this? I mean, if things are going poorly, making better decisions will lead to better outcomes as well. At the very least, poorer decisions will not lead to better outcomes. I know this, yet I would not be writing this unless there was something to it. That is, at times although I am aware of this tendency consciously, I nevertheless, often continue to make poorer decisions...despite knowing better.
There is a tendency we have to preserve what is good. Thus, if I equate me = good player I wish to persevere. On the contrary, if I feel I am a bad player, I wish to destroy this being...insofar as I equate - me = bad player.
I write this not just so that I may attempt to fix this flaw for the sake of better poker, but because I believe that this can be extended generally to what we do in our daily lives.
Thus, those aspects of ourselves that we cherish we continue to cultivate. Seeing them flourish, leads to further cultivation. Other facets of our lives and selves, though they would benefit by the same cultivation, we often do not put the extra care and concern required that they may thrive. Rather, we do the opposite and seek destruction. Such self destructive tendencies of course seem to serve no purpose, and yet they must be acknowledged.
There may be a tendency even to destroy what is good. That is the unity which we take to be our self...when we realize that this unity (even its best aspects) too must eventually perish, we would no longer put such cultivation into these aspects either. Realizing this, might we not, then, even sabotage ourselves?
Thus, what to do when you have achieved even your highest aspirations? What then?
Striving is often more enjoyable than obtaining. Once a desire is fulfilled it is realized to be empty. Self Destruction, or Transedence of some form (or both) may then be sought.

It must not be the shoes

The greatest basketball player of all time, Michael Jordan, a.k.a. "Air Jordan", a.k.a. "His Airness", did a commercial for Nike Shoes in which he performed a dazzling array of dunks and then simply held up a pair of his nifty basketball shoes, announcing: "It must be the shoes". Well, I just bought and 'test drove' my first pair of zapatos de tango. I must say, they look even more impressive than Mr. Jordan's Nikies. 

This is not to say that the shoes did not pay some immediate dividends, both to myself and those around me.  There seemed to be a decrease in the average number of times the phrases "F***, You stepped on my foot!" or "That was my shin" were heard in the general vicinity in which I was performing.  

I would politely inquire,"Did it hurt?  Their response was still, "No", meaning "Yes!  Are you an idiot?";  or silence, meaning, "I'm in too much pain to curse at you right now.  I'll do it later.  And, if you do it again, I'll 'accidentally' step on you with my heel.  Then, we'll see who shrieks like a girl.  Capisce?"

"Ginger Rogers had done everything that Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels." - Ann Richards, 1990.

I am dancing tango here and there.  I am not very good yet.  Well, I am a modest peron by nature...so, draw your own conclusions.  I for one certainly believe I am improving - which is why there is no conceivable reason why, if a group of young women are sitting, they part when I come strutting along, in a manner much like the red sea did when God saved my people from the wicked Egyptians or Phonecians or Christians (oops, Christians didn't yet exist.  I'll bet there was a lot less sinning and a lot more fun back then).  Whatever or whomever the sea parted upon, they were surely barbarous and not-chosen like I was.  In any event, I don't think the red sea moves any more rapidly or uniformly than they.  

But, I digress; several times - okay, it may have been once.  Well, I think it was once - like everyone, my mind sometimes plays tricks on me when I desire something.  ...I am fairly certain that I received a compliment from a partner on how I have improved.  She may have been sincere.  Less likely, IMHO, is that she was taking pity on me or did not wish to see a grown man cry in public.  Anyway, after my confidence was brimming since now I have the power to lead any given Philly, as she dreamily surrenders to my embrace, it was dealt an unexpected blow the very next day (one day you have it, the next it's gone). 

This time my more gregarious, but less gorgeous (curiously enough she looks a bit like Curious George) partner had this peculiar deer in headlights look on her face, which alarmed me almost as much as the deer.  She didn't know what the hell I am trying to get her to do.  Not only that...this time I didn't have to guess at what she was thinking; she told me.  I think this one did not have the same qualms about seeing a grown man cry in public.  Sorry, sweety, I'm too strong for that. No crying in public for this Tanguerito.  I did so in the bathroom.  Jeez, why can't women just pick it up since all they have to do is follow our lead?

Is the phrase "Happy Occasion" a euphemism for a sad occasion? Happy occassions like birthdays, anniversaries, weddings make me sad.  The sadness of these happy occasions seems to increase when that phrase is adorned by another.  I proceed cautiously when I hear "what a happy occasion" or that something is "such a happy occasion", as then I tend to be sadder than on mere happy occasions.  If a question was formulated...if someone says,"Wasn't this a happy occassion?", or "This was a happy occasion, wasn't it?"  It wasn't.

In Search of No World View

I find when I stop to look that there are far too many theories - representations of the world - floating around in my mind. They represent the world to me. But, representations are not the world; they are only representations of the world. And, so they make me not see what is there...they add things to what could nakedly be in front of my face. She is no longer naked, but clothed...and I cannot see her, for better or worse, in her nakedness.

Instead of them (facts of how the world must be), I seek within my intuitions and truths which are more truthful than any facts or theories of how the world 'must be'.

W. once said something like - we should see things as they are, not as they must be. Theories tell us how things must be, blinding us from seeing things as they are.

Newton told the world how the world must be. Einstein alone was able to overthrow Newton because he saw things as they are, not as they must be.

In zen there is a koan..."What is your original face before you were born"....throwing out theories of how things must be, seeing them as they are. ...So, I apologize as with each word I write I mis-direct you from seeing what is in front of you...to my false theories on this page.

535

... is the amount of dollars, U.S. (U.S. dollars convert to about 1 piece of shit each...but, added together you can buy things) that I won in the only poker tournament that I ever won; and the 5th one I ever entered. It cost $17 to enter.

Sometimes, we get just 1 chance to do something right that is significant. But, being perfectly ready for that 1 chance does not take place at the moment of the big moment - but long before. In many cases the seeds of victory or defeat are planted years before.
A boxer goes into the ring having trained well, or not so well. He has been training for 1 year, or perhaps 10 years. Maybe even long before he began 'training' his life prepared him well to potentially become a great fighter?
Once in the ring there is no place to hide or feign greatness. He must fight and his mistakes are seen by all and painfully felt by himself.
If he wins he was ready and able...at least for that opponent. The losing fighter is made to taste the reality that he was not ready or able (at that point, mere willing is not sufficient for winning) - not for that opponent. Maybe he was not yet good enough. Maybe, he never will be good enough no matter how hard he tries (some lack aptitude for some things); or, maybe he could become better than his opponent someday.
The winning fighter's confidence and sense of worth are increased by that win, as they should be. But, what if he had just never fought very good oponents? He has beaten everybody in his village, but then loses to the first 10 fighters he fights in Philadelphia. Then, his sense of worth - insofar as it came from being a great fighter - was, perhaps, higher than it should have been.
A pretty good fighter may have never lost, whereas a much better fighter will likely have lost a lot...against better competition. He became better because of an aptitude for winning and, as importantly, an aptitude for handling defeat. Some would-be great fighters lose a fight and stop fighting...and, then they are never to become great fighters...since, they are no longer fighters! What makes a man continue to fight? Can we at least say it is a belief that he can eventually win?

The Desire to not learn from one's mistakes

One doesn't learn from one's mistakes. I'm afraid, it is normally the opposite. And, one beats oneself up for not learning from them - which doesn't facilitate change in the least.
So, it leads one to the conclusion that this recalcitrance is very deeply rooted with hidden roots discovered and discoverable only through deep digging. Going below the surface to the root involves great effort and facing a psychical pain one wishes not to face.
Were it otherwise, change would likely be much easier and the steps which would help one to obviously change would be not only obvious, but easier to adopt than they almost ever are. No. Much of that which keeps us from changing is not obvious - although it appears to be obvious. Hidden desires compel us to repeat the same mistakes.  And, we often dig deeper, instead of out of the hole.
So, there must be a very compelling reason to dig ourselves out, since digging out instead of down entails suffering and looking inward. Being tired of the same pain and, more importantly, desiring higher and more fulfilling desires, and wanting to be free are compelling reasons indeed.
If one is rare enough to be able to sense this, the easy part is over. The next step one almost always chooses - in the unlikely event one ever even realizes there are roots at all - is usually to figure out a way to delude oneself once again. One does so, so that one will be able to repeat the same mistakes. For, to do so really is normal, not daunting, familiar, and safe. And, it is death. But, Who possesses courage, strength, stamina, a solemn and bright vision of the future, and a willingness to endure tremendous pain keeps digging even once he hits upon, and even especially because he has hit upon those first of many, many roots...well beyond which freedom lies.

"Everything is just as it should be." -Ohsho

I have read perused a few books by this man. He is not ordinary. I listened to him recently for the first time. He struck me as the closest thing to a living Buddha (well, he isn't alive anymore) that I've ever heard.
I wonder if it's true.

If there is karma, the distinction between private and public acts vanishes.

You're smart enough to beat me. You're not tough enough, though.

I am listening to a book on tape. I don't reccomend the book - "The Gold Coast" as it is just okay. But, I loved this quote. A gangster is friends with a very smart lawyer who is defending him in a murder trial. The gangster wronged the lawyer, who insinuates that he won't take shit from the gangster. The gangster's reply is above. I recall that Tiger Woods' father said something similar about his son. He said that Tiger would encounter players that were as good or better than him physically, but that he would never encounter anyone as mentally tough as him.

Shades of Grass - Purples and Oranges Greener than Green?

It does look very green on the other side. Still, sometimes you get up close - greener becomes purple or orange. Or both. It wasn't greener after all. Or, maybe, it is.

Thoughts of Gold

One sometimes sought after gold which was not gold - an honest mistake. It becomes dishonest when we look for that gold - after realizing that it was fool's gold. We seek shining objects, and we wish that something, someone, or anything, is golden. Or perhaps, sometimes, we wouldn't let go of the idea that we would be the one to find gold. But, there are golden objects. It's just that the golden ones aren't objects.

Declaration of War

An Open Letter to 'Fluffy':

Unlike Someone, I see right through those puppy dog eyes.
Is it true you slept over the first night?? Oh, and I've heard about what you're into. YOU sitting on her lap?
G-d had barely made water from the firmament on the 2nd day. Please tell me it isn't true you got her to bathe you on the 2nd day. Oh, and all of a sudden you have all this energy after that. Why was She surprised. I wasn't. Who woudn't have been happy, puppy. Prepare your artillery. This is war.

PS - If you're seeing this, Ms. __, did you ever stop to think why no one knows this guy's real name?? Is this not very odd to you??

Expalanation of Previous Posts

I wanted to give some background to 2 previous posts:

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Flowers bloom in the proper soil, under the right conditions...with sunlight, warmth, water, and love.... Is anything any different? And, first, you have to be a flower if you are to have a chance of blooming.

Friday, December 19, 2008

There isn't a single moment that the flower fails to bloom.

These were inspired by a famous Zen text called "The Platform Sutra of the 6th Patriarch" (六祖壇經).

The idea for the latter one was in part sparked by that text. It was, also, inspired by - and meant to inspire, a woman that I find to be incessantly twinkling. And, I wanted to remind her that this, at least to me, is always her nature. In good times and less good times - she is a newly blooming flower. Thus, we can find a deeper aspect of our nature that blooms, or at least have grounds for looking for it because it is always there - when we are happy, fearful, angry, loving, even in despair...at every single moment.

So, now to the Sutra. In short, there is a sort of competition from the monks in a certain order in Canton, China in the 7th century. The winner will succeed the 5th Patriarch (who is getting on in years) and become the 6th Patriarch. The winner wins by writing the most enlightened verse. The 5th Patriarch is the judge. The verse must demonstrate enlightenment, for he will be in charge of the whole order of monks and must be able to lead them to enlightenment.

Many believe that 1 monk, Shen Hsiu (玉泉神秀), will win. He is sortof like a teacher's pet. He has great knowledge. He knows countless sutras by heart. The question is, does this (book)knowledge necessarily lead to wisdom? The verse Shen Hsiu writes to demonstrate his enlightenment is:

The Body is the Bodhi Tree
The mind is like a clear mirror
At all times we must strive to polish it,
And, must not let the dust collect.

The Buddha meditated a very long time - for years in fact, before becoming enlightened. So, this verse is meant to convey Shen Hsiu's understanding of this fact. He strives to meditate, to get rid of extraneous thoughts (greed, hate, lust, delusion, etc.) which cloud the mirror. The purpose of this is to purify his mind.

After it (the mirror/the mind) becomes pure, he maintains, we will necessarily become enlightened. Our dusty, sullied minds will become like a pure, clean mirror. This clean mirror will reflect nature just as it is. Seeing nature just as it is then, is enlightentment - seeing things just as they are.

But, Hui Neng (惠能), an uneducated, illiterate monk writes a very surprising verse. There are 2 verses which survive (a result of the text being corrupted, but he supposedly would have written just one) - they are similar in meaning. I include them both.

Bodhi* originally has no tree
The mirror also has no stand.
Buddha nature is always clean and pure;
Where is there room for dust?

Another verse said:

The mind is the Bodhi tree
The body is the mirror stand.
The mirror is originally clean and pure;
Where can it be stained by dust?

This is surprising because he is saying the enlightened mind is, was, and always shall be "clean and pure". In other words, we are always already enlightened.

The 5th patriarch judged the latter verses to be those of one who is enlightened. Hui Neng, consequently, succeeded the 5th patriarch to become the 6th patriarch.

I will add a few points. There was a lot of debate about this subject. Clearly Shen Hsiu is saying that we need to practice and meditate in order to become enlightened. Hui Neng is saying - if we can ever become enlightened, we must already be enlightened. So, one of them is saying that we become enlightened through practice gradually (The Gradual School), the other that we can become enlightened - or, realize enlightenment - at any moment...suddenly (The Sudden School)

It is useful and necessary to practice. But, while books and words can point the way...they must be discarded at some point. Otherwise, they get in the way of seeing what is right in front of us. It is useful to realize that this enlightened mind must already be there - how can we search for something we hope to find if it isn't already within?

*Bodhi means enlightenment

**The image is of Hui Neng tearing up the Sutras.

Verses were taken from The Platform Sutra of the Sixth Patriarch (六祖壇經)
http://www.thezensite.com/ZenTeachings/Translations/Platform_Sutra_Yampolsky.pdf

Hui Neng ripping up the Sutras

Yesterday, I was lying down half way between sleeping and waking. Thoughts of the immanence of death came upon me, as they used to so frequently when I was a boy. I thought of death far too much for someone so young, perhaps. But, it was a gift too in some ways because I did not take life lightly. As I lay in bed as I boy, I wondered if my parents knew too of death and wished more than anything I could make it so that they would never die. I knew and know that that precious voice of theirs that I heard and can hear is not to be there forever. My only gift that I know for certain I can give is love. May that I remember to give it more often.
I've been taking life too lightly lately perhaps. Perhaps, this was a gift and a reminder too - so long as I am reminded gently again and again, later. And, I do not flee from its prodding to make of this life what my capacitities allow.

A sleeping elephant is awake, though not easily awakened.

I forgot
I was
liking.
Forgetting
liking
(I) love.

New Year's Resolution #1

I want two kitty cats - one tall one and one short one.

Private Entry #2

Personal Calendar - Things to do

2. Call Ms. _ using some pretence or other, it doesn't really matter what. Need to bring her to patent office to patent. Don't let on she is to become patented...she may not fancy the idea and become combative.

Private Entry

Personal Calendar - Things to do

1. Call Patent Office. Discovered an elixir to soothe, nourish, and delight sore or not at all sore, eyes.

Which is it?

Every action that I do is determined by, and a consequence of, the myriad chain of events that lead up to and determine that it shall come next. Every action that I do is utterly new, unique, and undetermined by what has come before. Which is it?