Death will follow Life
is felt in the marrow of my bones.
Loving You, then, is my only concern.

Thanatos...Observations inspired by Freud's "Beyond the Pleasure Principle"

There is a strange, but unmistakable phenomenon that I have observed while I play poker. The better I am playing, whether by skill or luck, the better (usually) I continue to play. The worse I am playing (whether to playing unskillfully or due to bad luck), the worse I continue to play. What I mean is that when things are going well, I make good decisions. When things are going badly, I make poorer decisions.
Why is this? I mean, if things are going poorly, making better decisions will lead to better outcomes as well. At the very least, poorer decisions will not lead to better outcomes. I know this, yet I would not be writing this unless there was something to it. That is, at times although I am aware of this tendency consciously, I nevertheless, often continue to make poorer decisions...despite knowing better.
There is a tendency we have to preserve what is good. Thus, if I equate me = good player I wish to persevere. On the contrary, if I feel I am a bad player, I wish to destroy this being...insofar as I equate - me = bad player.
I write this not just so that I may attempt to fix this flaw for the sake of better poker, but because I believe that this can be extended generally to what we do in our daily lives.
Thus, those aspects of ourselves that we cherish we continue to cultivate. Seeing them flourish, leads to further cultivation. Other facets of our lives and selves, though they would benefit by the same cultivation, we often do not put the extra care and concern required that they may thrive. Rather, we do the opposite and seek destruction. Such self destructive tendencies of course seem to serve no purpose, and yet they must be acknowledged.
There may be a tendency even to destroy what is good. That is the unity which we take to be our self...when we realize that this unity (even its best aspects) too must eventually perish, we would no longer put such cultivation into these aspects either. Realizing this, might we not, then, even sabotage ourselves?
Thus, what to do when you have achieved even your highest aspirations? What then?
Striving is often more enjoyable than obtaining. Once a desire is fulfilled it is realized to be empty. Self Destruction, or Transedence of some form (or both) may then be sought.

It must not be the shoes

The greatest basketball player of all time, Michael Jordan, a.k.a. "Air Jordan", a.k.a. "His Airness", did a commercial for Nike Shoes in which he performed a dazzling array of dunks and then simply held up a pair of his nifty basketball shoes, announcing: "It must be the shoes". Well, I just bought and 'test drove' my first pair of zapatos de tango. I must say, they look even more impressive than Mr. Jordan's Nikies. 

This is not to say that the shoes did not pay some immediate dividends, both to myself and those around me.  There seemed to be a decrease in the average number of times the phrases "F***, You stepped on my foot!" or "That was my shin" were heard in the general vicinity in which I was performing.  

I would politely inquire,"Did it hurt?  Their response was still, "No", meaning "Yes!  Are you an idiot?";  or silence, meaning, "I'm in too much pain to curse at you right now.  I'll do it later.  And, if you do it again, I'll 'accidentally' step on you with my heel.  Then, we'll see who shrieks like a girl.  Capisce?"

"Ginger Rogers had done everything that Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels." - Ann Richards, 1990.

I am dancing tango here and there.  I am not very good yet.  Well, I am a modest peron by nature...so, draw your own conclusions.  I for one certainly believe I am improving - which is why there is no conceivable reason why, if a group of young women are sitting, they part when I come strutting along, in a manner much like the red sea did when God saved my people from the wicked Egyptians or Phonecians or Christians (oops, Christians didn't yet exist.  I'll bet there was a lot less sinning and a lot more fun back then).  Whatever or whomever the sea parted upon, they were surely barbarous and not-chosen like I was.  In any event, I don't think the red sea moves any more rapidly or uniformly than they.  

But, I digress; several times - okay, it may have been once.  Well, I think it was once - like everyone, my mind sometimes plays tricks on me when I desire something.  ...I am fairly certain that I received a compliment from a partner on how I have improved.  She may have been sincere.  Less likely, IMHO, is that she was taking pity on me or did not wish to see a grown man cry in public.  Anyway, after my confidence was brimming since now I have the power to lead any given Philly, as she dreamily surrenders to my embrace, it was dealt an unexpected blow the very next day (one day you have it, the next it's gone). 

This time my more gregarious, but less gorgeous (curiously enough she looks a bit like Curious George) partner had this peculiar deer in headlights look on her face, which alarmed me almost as much as the deer.  She didn't know what the hell I am trying to get her to do.  Not only that...this time I didn't have to guess at what she was thinking; she told me.  I think this one did not have the same qualms about seeing a grown man cry in public.  Sorry, sweety, I'm too strong for that. No crying in public for this Tanguerito.  I did so in the bathroom.  Jeez, why can't women just pick it up since all they have to do is follow our lead?